"Life's a Roller Coaster,and I'm not strapped in" Journal...

8/18/2005

Published on August 19, 2005 By ----- In Life Journals

Well, I don't know if everyone knows, but i have a horrible temper/anger problem. I don't mean i am constantly stomping about yelling and cursing..., but having stuffed everything inside for so long, i've been "breaking", and have been 'out bursting' (yelling, getting riled up...) frequently...So, I have been talking...

Well...after an out burst at my mum on monday, she called my two doctors (Desroahcer, and Swan) Desroacher is my medical doctor, Swan is my "psych" doctor (he was the shrink i went to when i had depression, and he and i get along really well, i trust him a lot...he volunteered to talk with me concerning my problems...but he isn't a practicing doctor/shrink any more). Both of them have discussed among themselves and have agreed that i go to another psychiatrist/psychologist, as swan is moving after accepting a position elsewhere. I haven't found out who. I've also been prescribed Prozac. (Generic)

From the discussions i have been having with Swan; I've come to find that the main reason for my anger/temper problem is because of the continual stress and incidents that have happend to me in my past, and i have never dealt with it properly, i've just stuffed it inside me... When i was young (approx. Birth -> 12 y.o.) my step father at the time was very abusive. I would be accused of something everyday, some things i did do, others (the majority) i didn't do...he would kick me, beat me, yell at me, and slam me against the wall, etc... He wasn't nice.

When he would reach for me, i could see his eyes, and they had almost a primal look to them. One incident; when i was 6, we had a base ment, and i was walking down the stairs heading to my room, and he pushed me down the stairs...now, this doesn't sound to bad right? Well, imagine landing face first onto concrete and losing several front teeth, having a broken nose, and being terribly frightened, at age 6... I remember being slammed against the wall so hard once that i broke through it... On the outside, to everyone else, he seemed like a nice and gentle man...he was good at hiding it... My mother never realized it, because she never witnessed it...until....one day (when staying at my sisters after school, etc... i would pretend i was asleep when he came to pick me up...my sister became concerned and told my mom...) my mom came home (the day my sis told her how i was acting) and heard a loud slam in her bedroom...she came running to find me up against the wall, and my step father yelling in my face.....about something which i had never done...but was the target for....upon seeing this, my mother grabbed my baseball bat and told him to "Never touch my son again, or i will kill you...", my step father laughed, thinking she wouldn dare...well.....she did, she hit him until he let go of me (3-4 hits as far as i can remember)...he dropped me and went towards her...she stood ready waiting for him...but, i was able to sum up some courage, and as he went for her, i dove between his legs and hit him in the groin, to stop him (thanks goes to my mum for teaching me that one), she called 911, and they responded and arrested him...afterwards, both my mother and i were freaked out (for lack of a better term), we stayed with my sister for a few days, my step father was able to grab his stuff (and some that wasn't) and left...he was charged and punished....after that...i heard from him once, over 4 years later, a postcard from Missouri, he apologized for what he had done, and said that he had changed...though in my heart i hope he has...not for me, but for himself...in my brain, i doubt it deeply....(Should i forgive him for what he did?)

Also, since May, and when i found out i had pulminary hypertension, an enlarged heart, lower right lung collapsed/"deflated" (heard one doc say one thing and another say a different thing...my lung doctor, Panossian, said that it is indeed collapsed...) a diaphragm (same side/lung) that is "paralyzed" (according to some of the docs at Cascade East, have also heard that i can only moved 1 cm...out of 4 cm normally), sleep apnea and CO2 gases at 50%+....I have been "smooth sailing" or so i thought...but thinking about it, i'm not...i've had a major set back...its like being hit by a train...ya didn't see it coming...but it hit ya...hard. Not being able to attend CC normally is difficult...

Then, to add to everything (this actually has been going on for awhile), my mom lost her job (because she didn't do her required duties, which is refuted by a statement made by her advisor/supervisor), and brings home 103-133$ a week...and her bills are constantly behind...(i do house cleaning,etc... she works, and pays bills,etc...)....it is stressfull for both of us, mostly for her...she has gone through "not-so-good" relationships, which in the end has made her feel unwaned/ugly, undesireable....to any and every man...she was black malled by a former employee in 98-99 (don't remember exactly which), which happend to be the city hospitol (Merle West Medical Center), her boss asked her to "do something" with him, but she said no because of principles...so he fired her because she supposadley "embezzled money", now, this was at a time where finances where not an issue, and if you ask ANY and ALL of her former employers, they will tell you that she has never embezzled money every, and that she is honest and trustworthy...but because she would F$$$ her boss, her reputation was destroyed...it took her 7 months to find a job...(checked the time from when talking to her recently)...now, did what he did to her seem fair? no, not really...

All of this i (and my mum) have taken on my shoulders, and i do occasionally have my anger/temper flare...and i get angry...but not at the specific person, but at life itself...

I just wanted to share with you this stuff, as it might help you understand me somewhat....hope it helps...will continue to post more of my history, etc... later...)

--Lucas Aaron (James) Hall-Bailey

Comments

-----

on Aug 20, 2005

Bump

-----

on Aug 20, 2005

uh oh! do i even want to look...oh, yeah, i remember reading this... and seriously, i'm not going backwards, it just feels good to get things off my chest...and hear what others have to say about it...don't worry, i'm not going to bump it again...Bu- *slaps himself* no, no bumping....

J/K (and yeah i bump, but IMO, i think there are groups forming....they stick together because they know that they'll read "better" articles than others...maybe i am wrong, perhaps i am waaay off...but...just a thought...it might take time for me to get the reputation for decent articles...maye not....i better stop rambling now...bye)

-luke

Welcome Guest! Please take the time to register with us.
There are many great features available to you once you register, including:

Richer content, access to many features that are disabled for guests like commenting on the forums.
Access to a great community, with a massive database of many, many areas of interest.
Access to contests & subscription offers like exclusive emails.
It's simple, and FREE!