Published on August 25, 2005
By
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In
Misc
Stress makes people do/say things they don’t mean, and at times inhibits their thinking/reasoning process. That’s what was happening to me when I was trying to defend my self. (or as others put it; Whining, mewling, and feet stamping.) I was just so stressed at the time that I reacted, and never thought; then replied. Putting more thought into my replies and what was said in other replies. I wasn’t thinking clearly and said things that were not needed. The profanity just came out; as if It flowed from my finger tips. And shouting profanity is defiantly not a condonable action; I do realize that. Especially concerning Joe User’s Terms of Use and Terms of Service. And some things that were said (insults and contradictions), were not what was meant.
I have been going through tough times lately with me getting sick, not being able to go to the university of my dreams (right off the back) and the economic condition we (mother and I) are in. My mom is 57 (on august 28th) years old. She has no retirement, no 401k, nothing, she according to her, and various economic statistics she and I have looked at show that she will most likely work until the day she dies.
The reason she does not have a retirement plan anymore is because she lost it when she was fired from her job at the hospital. Her boss ’offered’ her a proposition, she took the path that abided her morals. So she was fired by him. I know it may not compare with other blogger’s past. But It was sudden. And caught me off guard. It was like a train; with the caboose being pulled nicely at the back, then the train stops suddenly, and wham; the caboose and every other train car slams into the unsuspecting lead car. (right word?)
I never meant to be a point whore; I enjoy blogging, too much. I have always felt the need to please others because I never felt satisfactory to my stepfather or mother; that I was less than adequate compared to my step father’s other children. And yes, perhaps I do blog for others. I won’t do that any more.
I have a horrible temper. And the insults/comments that ensued are wrong. They shouldn’t have happened. When I lied about who I was; I was afraid. I got caught up with trying to impress people here on JU, and panicked, reacted, and backed my self into a corner. It was Stupid. I do not intend to have whined. I just meant to vent some frustrations. That’s all; no more, no less. Now, am I a pathological liar? My interpretations led me to say yes. But perhaps I am wrong. Nobody’s perfect.
I have dreams. Like others. And one of them is to write a novel. And play football, as that seems to be my only half-le (right word?) talent.
My choice of words has indeed been horrible. I never intended to make a grandiose statement. I merely was just letting anyone know, those that were interested, that I was taking time off to try and achieve a dream/goal/_____.
But I don’t know if I will do that. Dhamragrl was right, we each have our capabilities. To raise one up by praise in that they can do anything they want, but in reality they will never be able to. I don’t have the English/comprehension skills to be a Nobel laureate in writing. But I can try. Don’t know how things would turn out.
As for the plagiarizing; it was uncalled for; period. My guess for a possible why is that I have never done/written something that was really great. I have always been adequate/passing. Perhaps it was jealousy; greed; envy. I know it will never happen again.
As for intelligence, as was noted once. I don’t know. I have been called intelligent/brilliant by friends, family and some others. I don’t feel it. My self esteem stinks. I feel like an average Joe. (Coincidence not intended.) I have limitations that irritate me; and concerning some subjects; no matter how hard I try, I cannot grasp it. (Calculus, etc…)
I have found some websites that specialize in psychological disorders. I have copy and pasted the criteria/characteristics and have answered them to the best of my abilities.
Make your decision; I won’t hold you against it. No more fights. I am not proud of what I’ve done. At all. Please, lets move on. Whether I remain acquaintances with certain bloggers isn’t a concern, because they have made their views clear. All I want is to start a clean slate with those who are willing. It seems that there are those that do no wish to. That’s fine.
For those who are willing; lets start over, as if I just started. I promise to be me, and only me; bidding my time, earning my respect/reputation back. (if possible) If you feel the need (I doubt anyone would, but just in case.) to email me regarding whatever; here is my email: lucasbailey@hotmail.com
***Am I a pathological Liar? ***
In addition to the difficultly of distinguishing between the liar and the pathological liar, we must also isolate this mental disturbance. Lying is a characteristic of several other disorders as well, such as conduct disorder (CD) and antisocial personality disorder (APD). CD, like many reports of pathological lying, typically has its onset during adolescence. Other behaviors may include inappropriate aggression, destruction, and serious violations of rules and laws. And, as suggested by some doctors, both pathological lying and CD may be caused by, shall we say, challenging situations in the home. Or by a lack of seratonin, in which case Prozac or Zoloft may help. Along with, of course, expensive sessions of psychotherapy.
(http://www.osric.com/university/pathlying.html)
Some of the behaviors that could lead to such a diagnosis are eerily familiar: repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest; deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure; consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to meet financial obligations; and lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated or stolen from another.
Antisocial Personality Disorder is more common in urban settings and in populations with low socioeconomic status. That has led some psychologists to argue that these behaviors may result from a "protective survival strategy" rather than from a mental disorder.
(http://www.metroactive.com/papers/metro/09.18.97/liar2-9738.html)
--To take a look at these paragraphs and compare them with what has happened in my life could prove that I am./am not.
Lying is a characteristic of several other disorders as well, such as conduct disorder (CD) and antisocial personality disorder (APD).
--Do I Suffer from APD/CD? (http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis1/p21-pe04.html)
These are the criteria:
I.
1. Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest?
--Yes/No(?) I have never been social, I became friends with others through their direct effort, or another’s effort. I haven’t broken the law that I can think of at the moment. (will post as soon as I remember any)
2. Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure?
--At times I do use aliases, pen names for writing; I have never meant it as deceitfulness, Not IMO, but I’m not an expert.
3. Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead?
--Impulsive? Have been at times. Failure to plan ahead. Yeah, defiantly.
4. Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults?
--Yes. Only got into a fight once. Although I never threw a punch, I thought we were all joking, but apparently one of the others wasn’t. I was pretending to hold one of my friends, while the other was going to pretend to hit him. (we were 7) But he actually hit. I dropped my friend out of shock and stood there mouth open, gapping. Assaults? Against others? No. Irritability and Aggressiveness because of assaults against myself? (by another) Yes. My first step father was abusive. He went beyond (according to my psychologist at the time and mother) just punishment. That’s IMO, the main reason I am passive, but do have a temper/anger problem.
5. Reckless disregard for safety of self or others?
--Not directly, yes indirectly/negligibly , not realizing my actions were causing dangers to others.
6. Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations?
--There was indeed a time in which I would fail to meet responsibilities; I have worked 3 jobs (what I can remember), have I gotten fired because of my actions. Yes/No/Maybe. Not sure. There were to “manager” like people who gave our team conflicting orders; “Hurry up” and “Be gentle with the trees, take them out one at a time.” But (worked at a tree nursery) to speed up meant that being gentle was tossed out the window. To be gentle slowed us way down. I was “let go”, as said by one of the managers.
7. Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another?
--Lack of remorse? No, otherwise I wouldn’t have apologized, or repeatedly tried to get everyone else to understand. Or have written this. Stolen things? Yes.
II. ”like many reports of pathological lying, typically has its onset during adolescence.”
--I do remember lying as far back as 8 years of age.
III. ”challenging situations in the home. Or by a lack of seratonin, in which case Prozac or Zoloft may help. Along with, of course, expensive sessions of psychotherapy.”
--Have there been challenging situations at home. Perhaps. If you count worrying about finances, school, etc… Perhaps it might be a lack of seratonin, I was prescribed Prozac; and from what my doc said; the reason was for a possible imbalance of seratonin/chemicals in my brain.
IV. Other behaviors may include inappropriate aggression, destruction, and serious violations of rules and laws.
--Inappropriate aggression? If you count un-warranted outbursts at family friends, then yes. Destruction/violation of laws, etc… I have been so angry that I have broken things in my house and friends/family residences. Have I broken the Law, not that I can think of. For right now, I’d say no.
V. Antisocial Personality Disorder is more common in urban settings and in populations with low socioeconomic status. That has led some psychologists to argue that these behaviors may result from a "protective survival strategy" rather than from a mental disorder.
--I do indeed believe I have this; having lived in (by economical definition) low socioeconomic status for my entire life so far. Living in HUD housing; mother making at maximum $145 a week. Yeah. Is it protective survival strategy? Maybe. I’m not an expert.
VI.
1. ”Often bullies, threatens, or intimidates others often initiates physical fights.”
--Bullies? Physically? No. Verbal bullying? Perhaps. It would depend on ones perception. Have I called names, obscenities? Yes. At the time I was angry and didn’t think. I was the one bullied. Do/have I initiate physical fights? No. Do/have I initiated verbal fights. Yes. I have, at times I see things that I feel are wrong and I step in to try and protect the person being “persecuted”.
2. “Used a weapon that can cause serious physical harm to others (e.g., a bat, brick, broken bottle, knife, gun) “
--No.
3. “Has been physically cruel to people; has been physically cruel to animals.”
--No. No.
4. “Has stolen while confronting a victim (e.g., mugging, purse snatching, extortion, armed robbery)”
--Have I stolen. Yes. In the context above? No.
5. “Has forced someone into sexual activity.”
--Nope. Still a virgin.
6. “Has deliberately engaged in fire setting with the intention of causing serious damage has deliberately destroyed others' property (other than by fire setting)”
--No.
7. has broken into someone else's house, building, or car
--No.
8. often lies to obtain goods or favors or to avoid obligations (i.e., "cons" others)
--Perhaps. Can’t think of any times at the moment.
9. has stolen items of nontrivial value without confronting a victim (e.g., shoplifting, but without breaking and entering; forgery)
--Yes.
10. has broken into someone else's house, building, or car
often lies to obtain goods or favors or to avoid obligations (i.e., "cons" others)
has stolen items of nontrivial value without confronting a victim (e.g., shoplifting, but without breaking and entering; forgery)
--No. Forgery? Yes. A late note.
11. often stays out at night despite parental prohibitions, beginning before age 13
Years
--Gone out at night? No. Stayed up later than allowed. Yes.
12. has run away from home overnight at least twice while living in parental or parental surrogate home (or once without returning for a lengthy period)
--Ran way for more than a day? No. Ran? Yes. Was gone for 4 hours. Then came back.
13. is often truant from school, beginning before age 13 years
--Often? No. Once in a while? Yes.
Perhaps my actions could be best descried as a “survival” technique, one adopted (whether consciously or unconsciously) because of economic status, social status, and past relationships with family. Am I a pathological liar. I don’t know. I don’t want to be one. And I will fight to not be one. I will do whatever I can to not be associated with the term. I will not lie. Or plagiarize.
I just don’t want to be associated with loony, whining, extremism, etc… Just known as myself. I know it will take time. But why not get started? Those who don’t want to start over, all I ask is that we end the confrontation here and know. No more. This should be my last reference to this situation. (If things are discussed and bettered, reference may be needed.)
I will be going through my article index and deleting any thing that references this incident, if any one has any suggestions (in case I miss/ misinterpret just say so here on this article.) I have asked Karma, via email; to delete some of my points regard certain articles. I will do the same with this one when things wind down on this article. (Someone might have to remind me if I forget)
I will be working on my grammar and spelling. I am taking Writing 95; which covers comprehension, spelling, etc… And I have installed the Internet Explorer spell check program. I am writing poetry at the moment, and plan on posting it. (So who ever is interested; come take a look.) I hope this helps. I just want peace at JU; between me and everyone else.
Dharmagrl; if you are still willing to integrate me; as you mentioned; I would be grateful. I am young; I am foolish. I have no clue what I am doing; where I am going; or what I will be. I can only move on; try harder, and do my best.
Little-Whip, after reading around your blog and JU I realized who you really are. I thought you were just a person that liked to play “tough guy”/non emotional. That you picked some one and kicked. I was wrong. From what I have read; you have gone through way more than I and I can learn from that. I apologize. I was a jack ass.; plain and simple. I also apologize for my views expressed on medical marijuana a while back.
Manopeace, I misinterpreted you. I thought you had become an acquaintance of mine n JU. I was wrong. I realized, after the veil was lifted, that that was not so. I was naïve. I have a lot to learn here at JU. Thank you for making me learn that.
Dr. Guy, I never noticed any problems with you. Although that doesn’t mean there weren’t any. I do not know what your views of me are either. Even though I do not think you ever ‘backed’ me (may be wrong), I want to thank you for some of the comments you have made. Thank You.
Dr. Miller, I don’t know much about you. You have popped in every once in a while. (as far as my memory goes)
MasonM, Parated2k, Gideon, Terp, OckhamsRazor, I don’t know much about any of you either. But you have pitched in your advice. Thank You.
BakerStreet, I know you offered advice. I am sorry for not listening to it. Perhaps it was my stubbornness, ignorance, or jealousy that made me not listen. I look forward for any other advice. Thank You.
Myrrander, you are indeed a strange fellow. I like that. You’ve offered your bits and pieces on the things I have posted. I enjoy reading them and thinking about them even though I disagree with you. Thank You.
Moderateman, I always placed you around 34-36 years of age. That never made a difference in how I viewed you; one who is kind and friendly, but don’t insult him. You are steadfast. Thank you for your comments.
TexasWahine, I owe you a lot. You got irritated with me, but (you may not have backed me) but your stance when things happened was like a guardian angel. Trying to get the human to understand. Thank You.
Karma, You advised me, kept me in line. And also gave your two cents. You’ve received my emails. You’ve read them (Not sure exactly, emails been acting up L ) Thank You.
Draginol/Brad, I enjoy JU so much. I find it hard to leave for a while. Perhaps you could call it being obsessive. I like the debating, the talking, everything. Thank You. (And I will be following the TOU/TOS better, printed out a copy of them both.)
Folks, this is what I have been trying to say. I wasn’t able to do it correctly because I was stressed out, I wasn’t thinking clearly. I want to tell every one about me and not have myself get questioned on whether I am telling the truth. I know it will take time to build back my reputation. Its worth it.
Take care everyone. I think (‘think’); I will take the rest of the week off. Might check in to see if there are any responses and start thinking about them. I might reply. I cannot be definite about anything. I am only human.
I will; “Tread the water carefully and be mindful of my words/actions.” (Don’t know where the quote came from; I just remember it.) (Brad/Draginol= same person, which is the site owner?)
A slip of the foot you may soon recover, but a slip of the tongue you may never get over. --Benjamin Franklin
Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes. --Mahatma Gandhi
--Luke